Friends,
Of course tomorrow will be the biggest election in modern history. For this reason, I have put together a sample ballot "Cheat-Sheet" that you can take along with you to the polls. Know that I am completely comfortable with the positions I have taken, and for your own peace of mind, I think you should just trust me on these matters. I assure you, we'll all sleep better at night if you do. Also, feel free to distribute this list to as many people you know. Be sure to let them know that this is how I intend to vote tomorrow. This should give them peace of mind.
I guess you should also know that my ballot decisions are not based on logic, political insight, thorough knowledge of issues, or even common sense. No, no… not this year. Tomorrow's election is all about the young voter, and one thing is certain; young voters love sex and sex appeal. Because there are so many sexy issues and candidates on tomorrow's ballot, I have based all of my decisions entirely on the “sex factor.”
Here are my sexy picks:
PRESIDENT & VICE PRESIDENT
Barack Obama & Joe Biden Two Sexy MFs. If they were R&B artists, they'd be Barry White and Michael McDonald. You got it, damn sexy. McCain, on the other hand has absolutely no sex appeal. We do know why Palin was picked as McCain's running mate, though. She is every Young Republican’s wet dream. Just imagine a Budweiser bikini-clad Sarah Palin draped over the hood of a Nascar. I know I have, but that’s a scary thought in and of itself.
CALIFORNIA CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS (in the North Bay)
* Remember, I only vote for the sexy people
6th District: Lynn Woolsey, sexiest 71 year old hottie in the House
1st District: Mike Thompson, he's got a Vietnam Vet kinda sexiness working for him
9th District: Barbara Lee, "Barbara Lee Does IT for Me"
? District: Democrat Candidate of Choice, they're all just so sexy
CALIFORNIA LEGISLATIVE DISTRICTS (in the North Bay)
State Assembly: District 7: Noreen Evans, dare I say, I have a sexy boss
State Senate: District 3: Mark Leno, if I wasn't a straight man...
State Assembly: District 1: Wes Chesbro, got that whole Tom Selleck mustache thing going on
State Assembly: District 6: Jared Huffman, member of the 1987 World Champion US Volleyball Team, how sexy is that
SONOMA COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS
District 5: Rue Furch, West County sexy environment friendly naturalist, yeow
District 3: Shirlee Zane, one sexy redhead
District 1: Valerie Brown, oh, baby... don't even get me started
SONOMA COUNTY CITY COUNCIL RACES
Santa Rosa City Council, 4-Year Seat:
Michael Allen, the naughty nurse
Lee Pierce, think Shaft, without the hair
Gary Wysocky, sex on wheels
Marsha Vas Dupre, Cougar
Santa Rosa City Council, 2-Year Seat:
Judy Kennedy, sassy bitch
Petaluma City Council:
Tiffany Renee, she only looks innocent
David Glass, the bookworm type
Spence Burton, don't really know him, but i've beentold he satisfies the ladies
Sebastopol City Council:
Kathleen Shaffer, the naughty librarian
Jen Thille, will give you thrills
Cotati City Council:
Janet Orchard, ahh...if I were only this Diva’s type
Windsor City Council:
Debora Fudge, better than chocolate
Healdsburg City Council:
Mike Mcguire, "Hott Damn!"
CANDIDATES—SPECIAL DISTRICTS:
Cotati/Rohnert Park Unified School District:
Ed Gilardi, makes you want to stay after school, if you know what I mean
PROPOSITIONED
1A High-Speed Passenger Train Bond Act for the 21st Century.
YES, c'mon baby, do the loco-high speed-motion with me
Prop 2 Treatment of Farm Animals
YES, being locked in a cage is only sexy for so long. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life that way
Prop 3 Children's Hospital Bond Act
YES, more hospitals, more hot nurses
Prop 4 Teen Safety
NO, ain't nothing sexy about endangering the health of young ladies
Prop 5 Nonviolent Offenders Rehabilitation Act
YES, rehabilitation, think of it as a "safe word"
Prop 6 Safe Neighborhoods Act
NO, this is definitely not the "girl next door" kind of Prop.
Prop 7 Renewable Energy
NO, this is a scam. if you want to save energy, just do it with the lights off
Prop 8 Marriage Inequality
NO, hate ain't sexy, neither are the Knights of Columbus http://www.kofc.org/un/ind
Prop 9 Victims' Rights and Protection Act
NO, if you're into "Caged Heat" http://www.imdb.com/title/
Prop 10 California Alternative Fuels Initiative
NO, sounds inviting, but T.Boone Pickens is not at all sexy http://apolloalliance.org/
Prop 11 Redistricting
NO, a Republican power-grab is NOT sexy. stick with the reacharound
Prop 12 Veterans Bond Act.
YES, help veterans do things in the privacy of their own homes
Measure Q
YES, just imagine all the sexy things you can do while commuting
